Adaora, if I told you why, why I have chosen this path would it make a difference. Would it change the sad picture you have immersed in the still waters of memory’s reflections, one that I suspect is infinite in consequence and without repentance.
Would the firm hands of time suddenly reverse and in a quick sweeping motion, erase all the torment of the past to allow us both a new clean slate to start afresh. To relive what once we had hoped would stay and would become our life; our future. The paths we had out for ourselves, crystal clear in the deep forest of fantasies.
It hurts me that I am uncertain that this is what you would want. It hurts me even more, that I suspect you have long moved on, memories of me, a distant haze in your swirl of thoughts. And more often now, I wish it were not so. I wish the fates were more kind and you less hurtful, but I know that wishes are indifferent to fate’s verdict and so I choose not to think too much.
You See the choices I have made are without repentance mine. But then again, would you believe me if I told you that it had to be done for both our sake. What I did was for the benefit of our family and if fate ever gave me a say in that day's outcome, I would not have done it any differently.
Adaora, what have you told our daughter? What does she think of me? Sometimes, I wonder whether you told her of me. Of how much of a wretched father I was and how she must never tow my miserable path.
You have every right to be angry. I cheated on you more times than I can count or recall. The effusion of a timeless age has sapped away all my consciousness of time. All I have now is a void, a subtle sensation of a progress but with no direction. All I know now is a tortuous journey that it seems has neither destination nor purpose.
Adaora, remember; remember that our fates are linked and not just in consequence of what ezemuo proclaimed some years back, but also an inherent knowing that we have both been privy all our lives. Yes I admit it was cowardly to hang myself, to turn it all off when I could have persevered in hope. But watching you take Nkemdilim away from me whenever I came home full of my liquid labor was way too painful for me to bear. The fact that you had turned me, before her eyes, into a monster. I only did it to save you the misery of having to bring up our child, while her useless father added to your troubles. You were better off without my troubles.
You did me no wrong. And in truth, the resplendent smile on your face on the rare days I stayed home and avoided Mama Anthony's bar only reminded me of how much I didn't deserve you and slowly this feeling morphed into a self-consuming creed to rid you of myself, that you may one day have a chance at happiness. Despite the troubles of this journey and its profound mercilessness on what is left of my senses, Adaora , through the many ripples and space , and the stars in the bright heavens lighting the paths of a lonely spirit, my creed shall remain etched in the lips of trees, rivers, and the wind – you shall always have my heart.